Does It Count?
by Lrigelbbub
Summary: Max recounts her memories; all that make her her....she wonders if she says that she loves someone and nobody hears it - does it still count? MA (really bad summary i know ) rated: for use of some swearing


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dark Angel, any characters or plot lines.  
  
A/N: This is like a memoir, I suppose, it recounts a lot of what happened in the two series with a little extra....I hope that you like it.  
  
DOES IT COUNT?  
  
It was dark out, very dark, not many stars got to peak out from the thick haze of smoke that covered the city, in which she lived. Seattle was her home, as much as a home could be she supposed. She liked the chaos, the disorder of things in a place that looked every bit like a war torn city. Although her past had been centred on order, discipline and punishment, there was something about the disarray that attracted her. She feels like she could disappear, that the chaos would swallow her.  
  
She had worked so hard at being invisible. She spent many years going to ground, dodging and running and it paid off in the end. She managed to drop off the radar screen, but she felt so lonely. Her unit from Manticore, her brothers and sisters; her family were widely dispersed; she hadn't seen any of them in years. Then one day she met a man, an ordinary human being, his name was Logan Cale. He tried to help her and asked for favours in return. She slowly started to trust him, and in the end she fell in love.  
  
She didn't sleep, she didn't need to; Shark DNA and all.but even when she was awake she had nightmares. She witnessed her nightmares become reality. She would be eternally haunted by images of her sister Tinga, floating in a tank. Her beautiful eyes closed, her hair floating around her like a dark halo, she could have been a sleeping angel if it wasn't for all the tubes attached to her body. She dreamt of the moments when she herself almost died. She remembered staring into her own eyes; it was like looking into a mirror from the past. Then she remembered a searing pain in her chest; her clone had shot her, then the world went black.  
  
She could see lights flash and a voice demanding that she fight, she knew who it was, and she wanted to tell him no, but she was so tired, her eyes refused to obey her command of open. Then the next thing she knew she was in a hospital room, yet it reeked of Manticore. Madam X came up to her, told her about her brother. She confirmed Max's worst nightmare.  
  
"Listen to that. That's strong, isn't it? That is the heart of a soldier. A leader. A martyr. He was quite a man, your brother, Zack. He must've loved you very much... to make this sacrifice. But isn't it comforting to know that a part of him lives on in you? And that you've both come home to us? To me?"  
  
It hurt so much to know that her brother was indeed gone. In all the years that they had been apart, she knew that he had always known where she was, he had always watched over her. He had always been there for her and he would continue to be there for her. He had died for her and now he lived in her.  
  
She spent months inside of Manticore's walls; every night remembering her life on the outside, in the free world. At first she fought it openly, but she ended up playing along. But in her heart she knew that they would never reindoctrinate her. She refused to forget all that she held dear to her heart. She refused to be known as only a number for she knew that she was so much more. She had tasted freedom, limited as it was, and she vowed too herself that she was never going back to being X5-452. So in her heart every day, the fire burned brighter, she would make it out. She had escaped once before and she would do it again. She had to and nothing in hell was going to stop her.  
  
She remembered the first time she had met X5-494, Alec. He was assigned to be her breeding partner. A concept that utterly disgusted her, but he did not seem to see how sick the notion truly was. To this day she had not forgotten the look of surprise that had flickered across his face at her violent outburst towards him. And she would never forget her own surprise when the next day he lied for her, protected her. Of course it had all been a set up. He had lied to gain the tiniest sliver of her trust; he helped her to escape so she would run to and subsequently infect Logan Cale, a.k.a Eyes Only, sworn enemy of Manticore. At the time she swore never to forgive him but over time he got to her. He was just being the solider. He had never known anything else.  
  
She had held so much against him. It wasn't his fault that every time she looked at him; she was racked with guilt about an event that happened a lifetime ago. She was so blinded by her own hurt that she failed to see his own. She never looked him in the eyes, for almost a year she never did that, and if only she had she would have realised that he was nothing like Ben. She had different facial expressions, different personality and different eyes. Ben's eyes had been frightened and ruthless all at the same time. Alec's..well Alec's were shielded; cold and impersonal on a glance but he was so scarred on the inside.  
  
When she first found out it shocked her. He had loved someone, and had spent years of never getting over her. He was just like her, so independent, self-reliant, but so desperate for love and comfort. He wanted to be normal too, just a regular guy. She knew that he thought the "super" powers were cool and at times they came in real handy, but he got sick of it all on occasion, just like she did.  
  
She never gave him credit for anything. She always mouthed off at him, told him he was worthless, when deep down she knew that it wasn't true. She was scared, he knew her, understood what she had been through. He could sympathise and he knew exactly what it felt like to be made and not born. To never experience a child hood, to realise that you were not a gift from God but some mad scientist's freak creation; to realise that this world does not even consider you to be real. To know what it is like to be surrounded and yet feel so alone. She knew that she was a talented fighter that was what she was designed for. She was an advanced infantry solider. She had been the best in her unit alongside Zach. But she now knew that Alec was so much better.  
  
She recalled an argument they had had once. She'd been mouthing off as usual. Going on and on, she supposed, about all the crap she had gone through when she was inside Manticore, when she was 452. She saw his expression become taunt, and braced herself for his evitable remark.  
  
"The crap that you went through?" he asked disbelievingly. "Yes, lots of crap," she had answered. "Max do you have any idea how lucky you are, You got out at age nine, I was still there ten years later. Because I was twinned I went through psych ops when you all escaped. Then again when I blew my first deep undercover mission, Rachel, and then once again when Ben went psycho and you killed him. I have been through a heap more shit that you can even dream of. I know you went through a lot, we all did, but times it by ten years, each year more strenuous than the last and maybe you will come close to the amount of crap that me and the rest of them have gone through. Don't talk to me about your problems will you past Max, because according to me they are nothing. You had freedom Max, limited and as dodgy as it was, it was still freedom. Until he all but yelled that at her she had never even considered it. But he was right, she had been extremely lucky to get out when she had.  
  
A lot had happened since she had escaped Manticore for the second time, she had made a few more friends. The most prominent member of the short list was fellow mutant, Joshua. He was the first transgenic created; he doesn't even have a barcode. Max loved him a lot, he was a very talented nomilie, and they scientists had put just a little too much canine DNA in his cocktail.  
  
She remembered the days leading up to the siege on Jam Pony. The word that "mutants" were living among the regular people spread like wildfire. She remembered so clearly, even month's later, riding with Alec and Biggs; then less than half an hour later seeing Biggs strung up, beaten and bloodied; dead for all the world to see. She remembered looking up into Alec's face, she couldn't see his eyes as they were covered with shades, but his mouth had tightened and become a thin grim line. She understood the pain that he would be experiencing, seeing his friend like that. It would have destroyed him, she knew because she had felt the fame was on seeing Tinga floating in that tank. Biggs had been Alec's brother, he was been one of his unit. That was another thing that surprised her, Alec had been a C.O. just like her brother Zach. And she knew that just like Zach, Alec always had her back. She had come to depend on him.  
  
So now she commanded Freak nation, with his help, she was the Co but she was no fool. She knew what the rest of the transgenics thought out her. She was still considered a traitor, an outsider. Although they had been out for over a year now, it was hard to forget all that was drilled into them. Her brothers and sisters were called traitors, they other Freaks were taught, commanded, trained to hate them. She knew that it was because of Alec that they all listened to her. He was her right hand man, her enforcer, her protector, and she would forever be grateful.  
  
The virus had made touching Logan impossible, and with not being able to touch him, an invisible barrier had erected itself between the two of them. When she sent Logan back into the outside world, because of the toxins inside of Terminal City; headquarters - their home, she discovered more and more about the Mutants that she had set free. It turns out that she never really needed Logan; he was more of a comfort thing, a security blanket that she didn't want to release. And she hadn't seen Logan face to face in months and she didn't miss him as much as she thought she would. In fact she barely thought about him in that way, she was no longer in love with him. It had been lust, respect and admirations for a mere mortal that continually risked his life to help save others. He taught her a lot about the world and she would always be grateful. But she truly realised what love is now, she could see it with her own eyes, as she stood in the doorway to a stingy dark apartment in one of the blocks in Tulson Way inside TC.  
  
Love was; strong, gentle, kind, fierce, scarred, hurt, pained, scared, witty, annoying, and so so handsome. Love was Alec, she watched as his chest rose and fell ever so slightly with each breath he took in his slumber. She knew that she would be able to rest easy tonight, she was comforted by the fact that he was alive. The minute movements confirmed that fact, it calmed her more than she could explain.  
  
She wished that she could express how she felt, her most desperate desires burned inside of her. She repeated the words that echo throughout her mind, "Love is everything and you are my everything." She turned to walk down the hall when she stopped short. Deep in thought she whispered to herself and to the night, "Does it still count if I say that I love you and nobody can hear me?" She paused for a bit as she pondered that, but moments later shook her head in a vain attempt to clear her thoughts and continued on her way down the hall; her footsteps falling softly and blending into the silence. She walked away, covered by darkness as that was what she was, she was darkness; a shadow, and angel to all those whom she had helped. She was a dark angel.  
  
......  
  
Inside a dark room in an apartment block on Tulson Way in the heart of Freak Nation a young man turned over, his burnt hazel green eyes wide open, a mysterious smiled gracing his lips.  
  
.....  
  
"Of course it counts." 


End file.
